When “No Chemistry” is Okay: Teaching Kids About Interpersonal Dynamics
Have you ever met someone you just don’t like? She might be genuinely nice, caring, and fun, but for some inexplicable reason, you just don’t connect. Yes, this happens very often, and the truth is, there might be nothing wrong with her or with you—you simply don’t like her. This is often referred to as chemistry.
When we’re on the receiving end (someone doesn’t like us, even though we haven’t done anything to them), we automatically embark on a journey of trying to figure out what we can do to be liked by this person. We try being nicer, prettier, quieter, louder – you name it! But in reality, nothing will work because the “problem” isn’t you, nor is it them. There’s just no chemistry. The issue is that when we try to force someone to like us, we internalize the problem, which can lead to negative beliefs like, “I am not likable.”
This is precisely why I believe in the importance of teaching children about “chemistry” at an early age.
When my kids come complaining that someone at school is rejecting them for no reason, I first ask what I call the “3 Bs questions”: Have you been nice? Have you been polite? Have you been helpful? If all the answers to these questions are “yes,” I then go on to say, “Maybe they just don’t like you, and that’s okay.” Understanding that other people have the right not to like you and the right to choose their friends is very important. Even more crucial is understanding that you shouldn’t always look inward to find the reason why you aren’t accepted by everyone; sometimes, you should simply move on and find your crowd.
Can you imagine how different, and perhaps even shorter, some of your past relationships might have been if you had been taught this concept at a young age?
Vanessa Alba
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
(818) 927-1284
